redshoes

Do I really want to get married or this is just my female hormone?

What's wrong with me?

What's with this marriage anyway.

So let me tell myself.

I dont want to get married. I dont want to get married.

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redshoes

I guess, I'll just have to pretend that I'm okay all my life.

I guess, I'll have to be with this asshole. I want to slap you in the face now.

I hate seeing you. I wish I could run away from here.

I wish I could just go away. 

You are so insensitive. 

One day, I will have the courage to walk away from you.

One day.

redshoes

On a lighter note, I saw my crush today.

It's been awhile since I last saw him.

redshoes

Maybe this is me giving up.

But I don't want to be in love with you anymore.

It's hard to be in a relationship with you.

Maybe this isn't gonna work.

I love you, but I don't think I'd be happy with you.

I don't know if I can ever trust you again.

And you don't want to listen to me.

I don't want to be with someone who doesn't even try to understand how I feel.

I don't want to be with someone who doesn't appreciate me.

No matter how I hard I try to communicate with you, you just don't get it.

Or maybe you do, you just don't want to.

I love you, but I can't fill the shoes of your ideal partner.

I can't be someone who doesn't feel anything. 

I can't be someone who'd be okay all time when you ignore me.

I just can't be that person.

redshoes

I wish I could run away from here. Change my name. Live a different life.

Start my life again.

But I guess, I'm too much of a coward to do that. 

Instead, I continue living like this is the life I've always wanted, always convincing myself that I am happy, and let myself be consumed by misery.

No one understands just how depressing it is to be where I am.

I know I shouldn't complain. And I should just accept whatever life has presented to me. 

But I don't want to.

I don't know if anyone has ever felt this way. You think you have all you could ever want in life, but deep inside you, you feel that something is missing.

You want to shout to the world to stop. You want to tell the people around you that you are not happy, but it would be selfish of you to do so.

Maybe, I am selfish.

Yes, I am selfish.

I don't want to be enslave by other people's definition of what a good life is all about. I don't want to be tied down to someone who doesn't even acknowledge the things that are important to me.

Someone who, no matter how hard I try to explain what I feel, doesn't seem to understand. Or he refuses to understand.

I feel like being with this person is killing me everyday. I want to shout. I want to throw things at him. But I remain unmoved.

I hate that he boses me around. I hate that I don't get to do whatever I want with my life, because I have to be a drone that has to follow whatever it is that he has programmed me to do.

I hate this.

And the more I stay here, the more that I feel like I'm dying.